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< Story Discussion ~ B. A. C. Squared, By Kave Catheson |
How was this story?
| I really enjoyed it! |
| [ 4 ] 44% |
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| It was good. |
| [ 3 ] 33% |
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| It was okay. |
| [ 0 ] 0% |
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| It was fair. |
| [ 1 ] 11% |
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| I didn't like it. |
| [ 1 ] 11% |
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Total Votes : 9 |
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| JDickerson |
 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:59 pm |
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Head Swami
Joined: 18 Dec 2006
Posts: 458
Location: Griffin, GA
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"Ugly people are evil?” Mark asked, laughing.
“That’s not what I said. If you look at a large majority of books and movies, there is often an unattractive antagonist to indicate some lapse in morality. Maybe they have a scar, or some type of exaggerated deformity that distinguishes them from the heroes. Regardless, it is that very distinction that provides an automatic guilty verdict from the audience before the opportunity for crime occurs. It all falls back to our obsession with appearances,” Will said.
“Why are you telling me this?” Mark asked.
“Because you are obsessed with image,” Will replied. “You have fallen into a permanent state of superficiality that holds no weight outside of fiction. You are either callous or dismissive with those whom you deem unattractive.”
“Yeah,” Mark nodded, “because they’re evil.”
The rest of the story can be found at the following link:
http://www.hd-image.com/fiction/bac_squared.htm
Tell us what you think of Kave Catheson's story. |
_________________
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka, I found it!' but 'That's funny....'" (Isaac Asimov). |
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| bearmountainbooks |
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:18 pm |
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Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 77
Location: Texas
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I think everyone must be afraid of Kave, and after reading this story, maybe more so! 
First, I thought the title was clever. Got my attention. It also speaks just a bit to some of the "guy geek" parts in this story. Anyway, I did get a chuckle out of that.
Part one, once it got going, was full of great pacing...really wanted to know what was going to happen and was glued to my screen so to speak. I was actually quite disappointed to learn that I'd have to read an entire Part 2 to understand what was going on. Yeah, short attention span.
At any rate, part two was darker. I could tell immediately--setting changed and the tone changed. So it was good that it was separated out because it really was like an entirely different story. The characters were more serious, the setting darker, and just the overall atmosphere didn't bode well. There was almost the same pull through the story, but horror just isn't ever going to garner the kind of praise from me that a straight adventure or even thriller will. (especially in this case where you're putting together clues and you know something bad is happening and will happen). It might have worked better for me had part two been shorter--quicker payoff to answer my questions, not forcing me to delve too deep as it were. But...I also have to admit that I put novels down and wander away when they change POV. I didn't suffer from that here, even though the POV did change, but I think overall it's a bit of a risky style in a short story. It forces the reader to invest in new characters. Luckily characterization is one of Kave's strongpoints, at least in this story. He drew and chose sympathetic characters, which makes for easier reading...except for the fact that it's horror so you're reading along waiting for something bad to happen...
All in all, I think it's a strong story. Keep up the good work. |
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| ThatGuy |
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:26 pm |
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The Illustrious Potentate
Joined: 18 Apr 2007
Posts: 224
Location: DC
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Kave...who knew?
I agree with Bear, that the story was riveting. I kept waiting for all of the bad things to start. I liked the resolution of people not being friends any more, which is understandable when you see a little evil in people that you wouldn't have suspected.
The second part was just more disturbing then the former. I kept picturing a little of The Island of Dr. Moreau. Very dark. Very creepy. |
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| EvaAngeline |
| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:14 pm |
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Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 150
Location: somewhere in the darkness
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The suspense, for me, was tremendous. Deep down, though, based on the opening dialogue, I really felt like the monsters weren't going to be evil, but I still couldn't help riding the edge of my seat.
Was that opening piece intentional or a re-rewrite to somewhat tie things together? |
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| KaveCatheson |
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:39 pm |
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Duke of Adorable
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 348
Location: Asheville, NC
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Ah, c'mon, Bear! I'm a big teddy bear. Yeah, the second part was a big risk (almost an unspoken no-no), and I pretty much cringed through the writing.
Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the comments. I expected everyone to hate this story, so it's nice to see some positives come from it. That said, for any who do dislike it, feel free to comment, as this is a golden opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I don't bite.
Eva--
Yes, it was a rewrite. The second part was completely rewritten, then One-eye was inserted into the window scene (very important to the story bits that didn't make it onto the page), which was followed by the opening dialogue. By that time, I wanted to steer away from a clear dichotomy (Good vs. Evil) as much as possible, in that the "monsters" weren't the ones with a shocking appearance. Plus, I was WAY over word count, so by having Mark state the situation, I was able to crop two paragraphs of narrative.
Thanks again. |
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| Tina |
| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:19 pm |
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Queen of the Universe
Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 196
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| The sarcastic humor was a nice touch, Kave. |
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| TWErvin2 |
| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:41 pm |
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Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Ohio, USA
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Kave,
Enjoyed the story. It allowed the reader to appropriately fill in holes with imagination.
Noticed the rarely used word (at least in my experience) 'caromed' a couple of times.  Nothing wrong with that.
Terry |
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My Website ervin-author.com
My Blog Up Around the Corner |
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| KaveCatheson |
| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:44 am |
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Duke of Adorable
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 348
Location: Asheville, NC
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Why are you guys taking it so easy on me?
I feel like I just stole someone's date on Prom night.
With a Tazer. |
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| ThatGuy |
| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 2:33 pm |
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The Illustrious Potentate
Joined: 18 Apr 2007
Posts: 224
Location: DC
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Okay, I'm feeling froggy today, so here goes.
I thought the story was great, original, and very entertaining. However, the characters seemed to be simple folk (not overly educated). Come on, there's chicks hanging out at a bar bringing fellars back and two dudes who probably work in a corporate office somewhere and play on the company's softball team. I point that out to say that the vocabulary used Quote: stridulation...contradistinguish...mélange...olfaction...caromed...etc.
did not fit the story to me. Had it been narrated by a sentient alien being or set in some other less-backwooded-swamp-trailer it may have been more appropriate. They were playing drinking games for goodness sake! Because it didn't fit the characters or the setting, it seemed unnatural.
Also, you're suspense was there. Built very well. However, you seemed to work against yourself. At the moments when the action was intense, and people were scared, I think it would have been more effective to use shorter sentences. To me, it would have kept the pace of the action. For example
Quote: Mark was standing on the opposite side of the island, staring at April in shock. His mouth hung open and his brow had furrowed; it was the same expression he wore when someone caromed off of him while in a bar—a violated surprise.
“April?” Melody asked shakily. She stood and entered the kitchen with Will following.
April did not answer. She was staring at the wall near the far corner, which housed a sliding glass door behind vertical blinds. A small dining table sat adjacent, adorned with woven place mats in conjunction with a decorative centerpiece. A chandelier hung above, with the pale brass—-the same finish as one belonging to a cheap new trumpet—-faintly reflecting the light from the living room. Candelabra bulbs were outlined behind their glass casings.
Melody put a hand on April’s shoulder when she reached her. The brunette had been looking down to prevent stepping upon the hazardous crystal rocks. April jerked to life and spun around at the touch.
Those sentences in orange slow the action down. Maybe you were trying to lengthen the suspense and build anticipation, but doing it by adding descriptions of furniture and the room were like speed bumps to me. Maybe if it was more about the character and their personal sense of foreboding and tension rather than the placemats on the table and the coloring of the brass, it would keep the reader in the moment of the story, the action, rather than giving them completely unimportant information. |
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| KaveCatheson |
| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:48 am |
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Duke of Adorable
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 348
Location: Asheville, NC
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Finally! Now it's beginning to feel like home again.
I copied every word from Interior Design Weekly (They're more efficient when it comes to seasonal hues). |
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| EvaAngeline |
| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:56 pm |
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Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 150
Location: somewhere in the darkness
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| So what are you trying to say, Kave? |
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| KaveCatheson |
| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:38 am |
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Duke of Adorable
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 348
Location: Asheville, NC
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That I'm retiring and starting my own fight club.
Right now, it's just me and a belligerent turkey hen, one which randomly appears from behind a tree, the trashcans, or the shed. She doesn't even gobble! You just get a sense of something wrong in the world, turn around, and she's strutting toward you, daring you to get in the way of her and her chicks. It's as if she can see into my soul, and knows that I secretly desire to punt one of her turklettes into the woods, just to break her steely composure. I'm looking up the number for Butterball... |
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| ThatGuy |
| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:11 pm |
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The Illustrious Potentate
Joined: 18 Apr 2007
Posts: 224
Location: DC
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| Kave, maybe you should consider a good rest home. Turklettes, indeed. |
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| KaveCatheson |
| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:15 pm |
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Duke of Adorable
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 348
Location: Asheville, NC
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Diapers, all-you-can-mush gelatin, and reruns of Matlock? I'm in! As long as I get a clothes-pin to stick on the schnauze.
Teeg, next time you're staring down a specimen that resembles the giant vulture-race from Dark Crystal, don't call this guy. |
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| silverstar |
| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:21 pm |
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Joined: 01 Sep 2008
Posts: 8
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Overusing big words is a lot like laughing at your own jokes.
I stopped reading at:
a stridulation caused him to turn from the porch. The audibility of the grating screech, whether due to the distance it traveled or the size of the creature from which it originated, allowed only a slight dissonance with the raised voices of the young women, and Will strained to contradistinguish the noise
Your diction is unneccisarily obdurate. Not because $5 words are bad, sometimes they are just the thing. In this case, however, your flashy diction only served only to jerk me from the story--I couldn't see the characters anymore, I could only see you.
Stop touching yourself.
Silver |
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