Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras
Directed by Jonathan Mumm
Starring everyone living in Jonathan’s town
Release Date: 2003
DVD Encoding: Region 1
Unrated

Imagine a monster so horrific that you just can’t capture it on film. We believe that was the problem in Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras because there were no chupacabras. But how could you afford to pay for a good chupacabra costume when the entire movie was produced for less than the change in my pocket, which is about thirty-five cents and some lint.

So what was the story then?

We don’t know. And clearly Jonathan Mumm didn’t either. He apparently compensated for the lack of story by introducing new characters at every possible moment. We’re pretty sure all of these characters were played by friends to which he owed some special favor. What kind of favors? Gambling debt, they killed someone, sexual…we really don’t know.

So is there any saving grace? Clearly, there are two: the Duck and the White Witch.

The Duck is an amphibious military transport vehicle, piloted by one of the worst actors in the history of mankind. His death scene…priceless!

The White Witch, a.k.a. The Mago, is nothing more than a wandering gypsy with the innate ability to turn her white hair on and off. Sometimes it’s there, and sometimes it’s not. Perhaps it’s like a baseball cap that she just left at home on the dresser. Also, we’re pretty sure that some of her scenes were sent in from remote locations via satellite. Pay close attention to the first time she’s introduced…you’ll understand.

Or maybe you won’t understand. Maybe you’ll be smart enough to avoid Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras. We weren’t. And our lives have been made all the sadder.

The drinking.

The nightmares.

The uncontrollable bed wetting.