Dark Harvest
Release Date: 2004
DVD Encoding: Region 1
Not Rated

Here are a few things that we regret in life: not kissing Jenny Watkins the night of the Junior-Senior prom, letting that sweet ’74 AMC Pacer slip away, and watching Dark Harvest. Actually, Jenny was a slut, and that Pacer was, well, a Pacer. So, in actuality, the only regret we have is watching Dark Harvest—Nigh! Paying to watch Dark Harvest!

Come on! This movie had everything—a deal with the devil, scarecrows terrorizing people, nudity—how could you screw up a potential classic like this. Yet, Paul Moore has.

The true downfall of the movie comes when we meet the main character, Sean Connell, a.k.a. Sean Baker. We could say the acting ruined the movie, but I don’t think they were acting. Reading from large cue cards maybe, but definitely not acting. These people wouldn’t know emotion if it beat them with a rusty scythe and left them hanging in a cornfield in Western Virginia.

Then Sean’s friends are introduced. We have everyone represented: a British chick, a pair of lesbians, the optimistic girlfriend, and the token black guy. Who do we immediately know is not going to make it out alive?

We’re skirting the real issue though. The true star of this bumper crop is the special effects. Let’s be frank for a moment. We can’t really use undead zombies in a movie—Union rules and all—so how do we make the undead seem more ghastly? Film them out of focus! Ah, what a grand technique. Even better, let’s use last year’s Christmas tree lights for spoooooky glowing eyes. And it’s interesting how the people that are killed still manage to breathe.

Alas, there is one gleaming ray of hope that will lead you on to sit through this travesty of cinematography. The credits...the excruciatingly slow credits!

The mind-bogglingly slow credits!

They’ve been playing for four days now. Let me check. Yep! Still playing.

They’re the movie’s one redeeming quality.

Did I say redeeming? Redeeming only because we watched it. The cover...it’s just so shiny and eerie. I can’t help but look.

Dear God, why? Why did we have to look? My eyes, they burn so!