El Chupacabra
Directed by Brennon Jones and Paul Wynne
Starring Treach, Eric Alegria, and Elina Madison
Release Date: 2003
DVD Encoding: Region 1
Rated R

Lesson learned from the highly respected doctor Starlina Divide: goats are usually found in areas largely populated by goats. This line pretty much sums up the quality of dialogue presented in El Chupacabra. The stuttering and mindless rants that try to build a conspiracy between chupacabras, aliens, and God are only slightly worse than the actors who deliver it.

Only after reviewing the synopsis for El Chupacabra did we realize that these fiendish monsters are supposed to be used by the military in combat. Surprisingly, nowhere in the movie is this poorly conceived plot point revealed to the audience. Again, this was probably a line forgotten by one of the “all-star” actors.

On the top of the list of these actors, is the leading man, Navarro, a would-be cop but for now dog catcher—we’re sorry, humane specialist. After finding a series of dead dogs, his intuitive mind kicks into action, helping us to realize that he likes playing with his hat and that something more serious lurks. When offered a dart gun to catch the chupacabra, he replies, “No thanks, I don’t do drugs.”

Thankfully, Dr. Divide is there to provide her “wisdom” to any situation. As a doctor, she also is the author of “Chupacabra: The Book,” a master locksmith, and a wearer of the least appropriate clothes for any situation. Unless of course, the most fitting attire for breaking into the C.D.C and hunting chupacabra is black high heels and a mini-skirt with matching tank top.

And no bra we might add...or simply hope.

With the introduction of lonely house wives wearing tight lingerie, mean bosses with low cut blouses, and doctors in high heels, this movie had all the makings of great porn—minus, of course, the parts that truly make it so.