Speed Demon
Directed by David Decoteau
Starring Collin Stark, Mark Ian Miller, Candace Moon, Trevor Harris, and Amber Loy
Release Date: 2004
DVD Encoding: Region 1
Rated R

It began when I inserted the disc into the DVD player: the tiresome narration. The overriding narration is the main vehicle for moving along the plot of Speed Demon. This movie host more cars than the others, mainly two 70’s era Chevelles, a '71 Charger, two 80’s era Camaros, and a 5.0 Mustang. Let the automania-mayhem begin—please...at some point. I beg you.

The star of the movie, Jesse, returns from college to his dear-departed father’s garage to find his brother and the neighborhood gang hanging out...shirtless...all of them...all six of them...even Jesse, who apparently walked home from college this way. With his alternative slant on life, director Decoteau is infamous for putting buff, shirtless guys in his movies. For the majority of the movie, they all remain this way. His influence even appears in the only love scene in the movie when Jesse is with the gang leader’s girl, Natalie, but finds that he can’t because of Otto: the even-more-buff gang leader.

But what about the racing? Seeing as how these are the only people in the entire town and there’s no one else to race, Otto and the others turn towards the Speed Demons. These ancient Sumerian demons were worshiped by ancient tribes for their powers of speed, wind, and stuff. To obtain one of these demons, one must possess one of the seven or eight talismans that are floating around.

To boost their power, the gang engages in a ritual of walking around a pentagram in nothing but their shoes and underwear, the guys smear blood on one lucky stud, and they all rub and caress a small block engine hanging from the ceiling. The girl in the gang has to stand in the shadows and watch.

However, when Jesse’s brother is killed in a race against Otto, Jesse finds his father’s Speed Demon talisman and begins his own solo ritual. Afterwards, the members of Otto’s gang are slowly killed off by a phantom driver in Jesse’s father’s Chevelle.

Sadly, even though we don’t know who is driving the Chevelle, but can guess, however would probably guess wrong, the suspense is still weak, as well as the car racing. There is none, except for the race where Jesse’s brother dies. That’s it. The flat suspense and lack of racing is only surpassed by Otto’s acting. He’s the new Mr. Monotone. No matter if he’s angry or elated or performing satanic rituals, he’s even tone and droning.

For one last jab at Decoteau: when there’s only one guy, the girl, and Otto left in the gang and they begin to perform the blood ritual, the girl actually moves to the pentagram; however, the guy has to rub himself up. She still gets no action. Come on, fellas!

When deciding for or against Speed Demon, rent this only if you are lonely...and like watching guys massage one another...or massaging engine blocks.